I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
there's paper in my vomit.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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