i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
