To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
