I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
