I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
