when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
