The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
