The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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