let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
