yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
