her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
