I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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