i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
i now understand why vodka
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
