i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
where are you?
Hypothermia
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
