Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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