take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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