I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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