im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
