I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
