eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
