I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
