is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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