you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
