My entire life is one complicated drinking game
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
