All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
