I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I cut my penus on the lid.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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