Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
