I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
