You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
