I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
