You made me cry and you don't even care
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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