I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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