my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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