Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I puked a lego.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
