WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
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