I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She's not a foreskin expert like you
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
not ubering you a puppy
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
