I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
