Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I currently don't understand fingers.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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