You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
