The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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