I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
