I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The air was thick with penises
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
