and she was petting her beer can
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
