i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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