I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
