I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
