wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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