I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
