Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
being pregnant is like rehab
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Randomize
