take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
two words: eviction party
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
